hanging by a moment

life is just a long string of moments, good moments,bad moments, meaningless moments, and meaningful moments. some moments define us, whether we like it or not. a moment on november 29th when i had a stroke defined me, and now another moment would come to define me… so dr. m would come everyday or every other day to check my general status and to see if any of my main muscle groups had returned. he would ask me to do something little and then would wait and watch or feel for any muscle movement or contractions. they would go something like this: \’ squeeze my hands\’ and then he would wait… and nothing, \’wiggle your toes\’ and then he would wait… and nothing, \’raise your shoulders\’ and then he would wait… and nothing. they were such little motions but i couldnt do any of them, not even a little. it must have been hard for him to do because it was disappointing everyday. it must have been awful to watch too because it highlighted how hopeless i was and that i couldnt do ANYTHING. i remember the first time someone watched. i remember the first time someone watched. anand and baldeep were in my ICU room saying their goodbyes before visiting hours ended for the day. dr. m came in to check on my status. anand and baldeep sat down while dr. m checked my muscles. again, nothing. after dr. m left, anand and baldeep said their goodbyes and left too so i was alone. a few minutes later, my nurse came in and i overheard her talking to someone. she said, \’i feel really bad for those boys. they arent handling this well. i saw tears in both their eyes when they left this room.\’ i cried myself to sleep that night. those words burned me, and burns never really go away. anand tand baldeep were the last two people in the world i ever wanted to hurt or disappoint. at that moment, i realized something needed to change. i couldnt hurt them anymore so something had to change, it just had to. but then nothing changed. everyday was disappointing. everyday was heartbreaking. i was so used to feeling stuck, frozen, still. but then, something miraculous happened. my mom and i were in the despised wheelchair clinic. dr.m came in to check on me. he cracked a few much needed jokes and then proceeded to check my muscles. \’squeeze my hand\’…nothing, \’raise your shoulders\’…nothing and then, \’move your head to the right\’…SOMETHING! my head moved ever so slightly to the right. it was such a minuscule you could easily have missed it. i completely disregarded it because it was so small and seemingly insignificant. but from the excitement in my mom and dr. m\’s voice, it was a big deal. but i wouldnt realize that until much later. that was the moment i started to break out of this locked in state. that was the moment i started to get unstuck. that was the moment i started getting into that 20%. that was the defining moment i started to come back to life.

5 thoughts on “hanging by a moment

  1. Really great post, Hersh. Anand and Baldeep are the LAST two people in the world that you could disappoint. Everything you do and don't do – they seem to be proud of. And that goes for the rest of us too. Nothing you do or don't do will ever disappoint us – you've already done so much in your life where you've made ME so proud to be your friend… and you continue to do so today. Muah.

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  2. Beautiful Cougs! This is going to be a best-seller. i tease you about being so indecisive and making too many plans that overlap but the truth is, all you want to do is make everyone happy. and you never stopped making everyone happy. You fight in the name of love and it's a battle you're steadily winning. I'm so proud of you and you inspire me to be a better friend, sister, daughter, student…well, we're all a work in progress.It's only up from here, my dear. i cannot wait to hug you. Xo

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  3. this is such a great post harsh… you write so well! Can't wait for the book! Just read ALL TWENTY THREE of your blog posts all over again. All SO SO good. Just had veggie patty and thought of you!

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  4. kevin and i read this post at the same time and were both just in awe of how good of a writer you are… This also reminds me of the moment when i told you about the price of those Sevens and your jaw dropped open for the first time! Loved it, love you, and see you soon!!!!

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  5. amazing post, again wifey! itll be a bestseller for sure. everything you do, no matter how small you think it is, is always great… i hope you know that! you're such an inspiration and you have taught me so much… i love you honey i cant wait to see you in a few days! MWAHMWAHMWAH!

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