King of Wishful Thinking

\’You are going to be fine!\’ this is what i heard from all my friends and family. u would think these words of positivity would provide me some comfort or relief, but no, they made me cry more. i didnt understand why. i was so confused for the longest time until a few weeks ago when a friend was explaining to me a similar situation. i cried because i SO BADLY wanted those words to be true. i cried because i SO BADLY didnt want these words to be too good to be true. i cried because i SO BADLY wanted to believe those words. but i couldnt. why couldnt I let myself be happy and be hopeful and just believe? any happiness and any possible hope had been stripped away from me. i was vulnerable and scared which allowed my mind to be tormented by all the negative, awful things i heard from medical professionals, which made the positive, hopeful things i heard from my family and friends seemed like mere wishful thinking. in the ICU, i overheard a nurse say, \’her parents think she is miraculously turn around, but i dont see that happening,\’ which destroyed the little hope i had, and another nurse said, \’why on earth was she at urgent care? if i was her, i would have gone to the ER!\’ which made me feel stupid and gave me the false idea that this could have been prevented had i been smarter. another doctor, who, i found out later, knew virtually nothing about my case, said that my stroke made me a quadripelegic and only my voice would return. she went on to educate me on the grieving process, and was probably in stage two: DENIAL. her words hurt, more than any other, and i cried, oh i cried. yes i trusted my family and friends more than these strangers, but arent medical professionals supposed to say things founded in fact and experience? there was a constant battle in my mind, hope versus hopelessness, optimism versus pessimism, wishful thinking versus wishless thinking. i could hear that nurse practitioner words on repeat, \’shes never going to walk again,\’ but then on the other side of that, i kept hearing, \’dont let the haters stop you from doing yo\’ thang!\’ ( you better know where thats from!) i didnt know what to believe. we had a meeting with my family, my doctors, and my therapists, so I thought I would finally get answers. The truth was, no one knew what was going to happen, so my doctors and therapists justifably didn\’t say anything about it. I began to cry because I was so scared and so confused. My cries were like howls that echoed across the room, so everyone must have felt how scared I was. So then my resident stood up, walked over to me, kneeled down, grabbed my hand and said, \”We are just waiting for all the connections to be made, it all gets better from here.\”This was the first piece of positivity from anyone in the medical profession. I was so touched by her words because I felt like my two worlds that were battling each other were finally merging together. She gave me the strength to hope, she gave me a reason to believe, she gave me a chance to be free from all the negativity, she gave me a reminder that I am and always will be the optimistic, hopeful king of wishful thinking.

12 thoughts on “King of Wishful Thinking

  1. allll youuuuu sucka mcs aint got nothin on me!!!how do keep your hair so shiny…cocount oil???Miss you and love you maestro cuff. Another beautiful post. See you so soon!

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  2. KEVIN G! \”im a mathlete… so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard im like james bond the third\”nerds are cool :)so proud of you! love you tons and i love your resident. so happy she gave you that window to be positive and to be able to look past the negativity.<3 mwah

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  3. i was reading a few articles about similar conditions (you know i like stalking) and people were posting all about how for them too medical professionals were by far the most negative about their conditions and their loved ones' conditions – i think that's so messed up, and sad. there's a difference between being realistic and being pessimistic! but when you practice you'll change that norm just like your resident 🙂 im sooo glad i saw you this wk and i can't wait to come back for your BIRTHDAY!!! love you. x

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  4. I love how amazingly strong you are, Hersh! You are one of a kind, you rise about the negativity and pessimism and know how important it is to stay positive and keep up the wishful thinking. Not many people have that courage and strength – I'm so proud of you!PS!! I just finished burning you a Lil Champs CD.. there are many many Swarit and Yatharth melodies… and a few other gems 🙂 Let's hope it works this time.

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  5. Dear Cady,I love your mean girls references mainly because you, neha and i are the original mean girls. Is that the movie excursion that neha wore the prom dress to?Kevin G is hot. And he's right. Haters always rile me on. Although with the amount of people that love you, holy crap – haters don't stand half a chance.XO

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  6. Hersh,this was beautiful. you have always been one of the most optimistic people I know, believing the best of people and situations. that cannot and will not go unrewarded. I hope you know that all the people that love you have formed a cocoon of positivity and hopefulness around you. Negativity has no way in

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  7. hersh i loved the title of the this post, the mean girl reference, and just your overall way of being so real in the way you write and also so poignant (yup, just used that word in a sentence). I'm so sad I didn't get to spend more time with you this week but I will be back soon! Love you so so so so so much and so proud of how far you have come since the last time I saw you!!! MWUAH!

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  8. Harsh,Another great post. Oddly enough, your description of your resident reminds me of none other than you.Secondly, what is this Mean Girls reference? I thought the \”King of Wishful Thinking\” was a 90's song that was in Pretty Woman!See ya in a few weeks. We'll have to get Guli to re-enact his classic rendition of \”Men Who Stare at Goats\” from this year's Thanksgiving Charades.

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  9. PS… love love love love the title. So many memories singing this song together :)Too bad no matter how much we try to sound good singing it, only Ruchi and Anand will master it 🙂 next time we're together, they need to sing a duet… agree?

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