the variable

(another lost episode) the variable was the polar opposite of my constant. they were the people in this struggle who hurt me rather than helped me. they left my world in pieces. they added to my fears and confusion and made me doubt who i was inside. they were certain nurses and visitors who said things to me that cut me deep and left wounds that lasted months. one day in the icu, a nurse practitioner came in to see me. my grandmother, who was the only one in my room, innocently asked \”when will she walk again?\” she replied\”she will never walk again. she has locked-in syndrome.\” those words crushed me. i felt like my entire soul and spirit had been sucked out of me. i didnt know what locked-in syndrome was but it sounded awful. i hadnt heard anything from the doctors about my situation, i had only heard from my family who was more optimistic. it was never something they questioned. my parents kept saying \” have faith, everything will be fine again\”. but i didnt know how to reconcile that statement with what that nurse said. and when something terrible happens to you out of the blue God is the last person you wanted to trust so i cried even more. since that approach clearly wasnt working, my brother came to me with a different approach. he said i was young and healthy,and because of the plasticity of thebrain, it will make new connections. he told me i would get better with time and to always have faith. and he was right…i only now researched more about locked-in syndrome and im so glad i didnt really know about it before because i would have been even more terrified. that nurse was right about one thing – i did have locked-in syndrome. many people who have this never recover and die soon after. but 20% break out of the syndrome and pretty much have full recoveries. by some divine intervention, im miraculously part of that 20%. i know it will be a long road ahead, and im sure i will come acros some variableswho can definitely hurt my spirit but they will never change the fact that my journey on this road will have a happy ending.

5 thoughts on “the variable

  1. Best of luck in your journey. I read some of your previous posts and it sounds like your recovery has been amazing. My late husband was locked-in and we were just blessed he could blink his eyes and move his right middle finger. Eventually, he regained his smile. It was a blessing. I think sometimes people look for the large improvements like \”being able to walk again\” and miss all the significant miracles that have already taken place. Best of luck.


  2. Completely agree with Stacy's comments above. I know just in my few initial visits how much progress you were making Harshada and I love hearing about the tremendous steps you CONTINUE to make! As long as you keep working at it, and pushing yourself, you will come back stronger and healthier than ever.


  3. Harshada, thanks for that post. You teach me through this how I can be a better medical provider. Thank you. You are so great, but I'm only stating the obvious. Way to go for being in the 20%.


  4. Harshada, I have been in touch with your parents occasionally since last January and am absolutely thrilled to know how far you have come. I sent them an \”Expect Miracles\” bracelet for you to keep hoping for and expecting your recovery. I have subscribed to your blog and just read all the past entries. Thank you for sharing all of this–you and your family are amazing.Many blessings to you, Gina Clegg from CLS


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