The sky is the limit

I want to share a story with you all about one of my firsts: the first time I wanted to slap a doctor. Now dont get me wrong, I love and respect them just as much as the next person, probably more, considering that I was so enamored by the profession that I wanted to become one (and still do). But I think my high regard for doctors has set me up for bitter disappointments. The first time I felt this way was the morning of my stroke. I was at my ophthalmologist\’s office getting my \”opthalmic migraines\” checked out. As I was waiting for the doctor in an exam room, all of a sudden, the room started spinning, VIOLENTLY. I was incredibly dizzy and horribly nauseous. I tried to stand up, but could only make to the sink. A new doctor came in and saw me leaning over the sink, gripping it for dear life. He said smugly, \”I see you must have had some fun last night.\”
Me: (unable to look up from the sink) \”I just watched a movie with my parents\”
Doc: \”Yea but I\’m sure you had a few drinks
Me: (kinda annoyed) \”nope\”
Doc: \”Maybe wine with dinner?\”
Me: (between vomits) \”No!\”

I would come to find out later that I WAS HAVING A FREAKING STROKE, which caused the vertigo.I wanted to go back in time and slap him… Ok, who am I kidding?! I am a raging pacifist (what up Mahatma), so, instead, I\’m boycotting his institution. Now I\’ve met with A LOT of doctors the past few years. Some have been nothing short of incredible, and I owe them my life and my hope. But some of them,well, let\’s just say I owe them a hell of a lot of my tears, and a few slaps. Most of my doctors haven\’t seen anyone like me. What happened to me is infinitely rare. Most doctors just go with the flow, admit the holes in their knowledge, and do their utmost to help me. But some are, I guess, intimidated by my condition, as if my mere existence was a silent challenge to their knowledge, so automatically I knew/felt they weren\’t on my side. Some doctors are so afraid to say the three little words that are probably true half the time : I don\’t know. Even though those words are so frustrating for patients to hear,  they know they are being given the truth, and not just BS from a doctor trying to maintain his all-knowing aura. I feel like the best doctors I have met are the ones who aren\’t afraid to show their vulnerabilities. \” I don\’t know, let do some research\” goes a lot, a lot farther than an \” Im sorry, I can\’t  help you.\” But I feel bad for all the doctors, because the science of my condition is the most difficult and evasive part. Why did this happen to me? What caused this? What can I do to recover? What therapies will help? The answer to all my questions is undeniably, I don\’t  know, not because of the doctors but because there is barely any scientific information out there about my condition. So, what happens when you lose faith in religion AND science?  I guess without any religious or scientific rules about my condition or my future my fate is kind of, free. I can write my own destiny, make my own luck. The sky is the limit. 

4 thoughts on “The sky is the limit

  1. If you're in the process of writing your own destiny, then you deserve a Pulitzer, a Booker, etc. etc. because your words drip power, my love! And as you proceed, the universe (as little Chay and Paulo Coelho says) is conspiring in your favor.

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  2. harsh! you will completely shape your own destiny. control over our own situations is such a tough concept to grapple with – and i know how helpless you've felt on and off through this whole ordeal. but you have been incredible in staying in charge of your own perspectives on life and keeping your will to recover. that is something that no one and nothing has been able to rob you of. you are amazing, keep hustling.

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