Killing me softly

So, I don\’t look like the person I was before… Emotionally, I\’m pretty similar except now with a \’Sasha Fierce\’ side to me and sometimes a \”No me jodas\” type attitude. But physically..where do I begin?! I mean I look like me, but I look a bit…off. When I say I was paralyzed from head to toe, I mean literally from head to toe. My forehead, my cheeks, my lips, my tongue, my throat, my trunk, my limbs, EVERYTHING. I could only blink my eyes which sounds like such a tiny thing but it probably saved my life because without the blinking, everyone would have thought I was brain dead. Now, all my muscles have come back, but not quite  right. Some are weak, some are slow, and some are just confused. This all makes for one awkward looking girl. First off, my legs aren\’t strong enough yet, so I\’m confined to a wheelchair. But surprisingly, that is the least of my aesthetic problems. I have a 6th nerve palsy of my left eye so I can\’t really move my eye left; and my eyes aren\’t aligned exactly, so I look like I have a lazy eye all the time. My facial muscles, my neck muscles and my trunk muscles are still weak, so my face looks weird, my neck droops to the side, and I slouch. My arms lie limp in my lap, and I have a few visible scars. Worst of all, what alienates me the most is that I can\’t speak properly. Little kids stare at me like I\’m a monster. If I try to talk to them, they literally run away. It kills me. When I try to go out in public, people say things to me or about me that make me want to vomit or just die. It kills me. Just the other day, my dentist said to my dad right in front of me, \”She looks good today! She looks alert!\” just like that, even though she meant well, she killed me. With just a few words, I felt like I was stabbed in the stomach. Before my stroke, I was strong and confident enough to handle anything, but now just a few words or a few stares can make me self combust. Don\’t get me wrong, I have optimism, I have positivity, and most importantly, I have hope, but it is SO fragile, its like a house of cards, one blow from caving in… When people see me, they see I\’m completely broken on the outside, and then assume I must be broken on the inside too. If only the whole world would just read my blog 😉 then they would realize my brain is in fact, far from being broken. But theres one person who, in his eyes, I am complete. He doesn\’t even notice my flaws, if anything, he sees them as assets. His unconditional love is exactly what I need to bring me back to reality, to bring me back from the dead. I\’m talking about none other than my puppy, Duke 🙂 I know it sounds silly, to rely on a dog so much, but honestly, whatever works! And it does really work. I cant really talk, so I never have to discipline him. I can\’t really use my legs, so i cant take him on walks (laziest puppy ever, he hates walks). I can\’t really use my arms, so I don\’t ever put him in the crate he hates. I\’m a sloppy eater, so he loves sitting in my lap and discovering hidden crumbs on me. I cry a lot, and he LOVES licking my tears, and I need his distraction. Riding in my lap on my wheelchair is like a roller coaster for him so he doesn\’t let me go anywhere without him. That boy would follow me off a cliff if that\’s where I was headed. So it works! For now, he is enough to pick me up when I fall, but I fear the day that won\’t be enough anymore…

7 thoughts on “Killing me softly

  1. harsh i love this. we all know you are a fighter and your beauty has never stopping being visible to those who matter. people say hurtful things because their vision is limited.


  2. Cougs, I agree with Chays. Those who just don't have the capacity to understand something are destined live, breathe and speak ignorance. 'Whatever works' is right, sis. That dog is one hell of a charmer (pant pant pant).


  3. agree with rajul and chaya! especially: \”your beauty has never stopped being visible to those who matter.\” – so true, says it all. love you wifey. ps its a good thing im not there when people say hurtful things… there would be some drama.


  4. Ahh the only time I will love something named Duke! But seriously, you look beautiful on the outside and on the inside, you are still the most intelligent, thoughtful, and insightful person I know. I know it's hard, but try and remember your friends and family who love you and know how incredible you truly are any time you hear anyone say otherwise. Chaya is right- they are blind. Love you always


  5. I agree with everything everyone's saying up top. Someone really smart back in the day said it best: \”Haters gonna hate\”and by the way, you spelled him name wrong…its \”Dyook\”


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