its gonna be me

i love(d) running. no really, i did! i enjoyed working out, and even found time to do it in med school! and i was pretty health conscious (that was sometimes an understatement…ask megan…vegetables with a side of vegetables anyone?). so, all that combined, i was in pretty good shape. and then, i had my stroke. within a few days, i was unrecognizable. i saw my legs which were muscular just a few days ago, were now toothpicks, skin and bones. i felt like the insides of my limbs were sucked out. it was like all my muscles had dissolved overnight. my body just felt like a useless pile. gross. i thought things would change once i started eating. but pureed eggs, pureed peas, and pureed pinto beans that i forced down didnt do anything but make me vomit. maybe things would be different? after months of practicing swallowing, failing 3 or 4 swallow studies (yes, first test i ever failed), and having no hope of swallowing normally zgain, i passed my swallow study! i got my last artificial attachment out, my PEG tube, and i could have regular food and drink. i shouldve felt more normal, right? false. i was filling up on pasta and pizza, but i felt and looked so empty. i realized my muscles werent just hidden, they were all gone… and i would have to start from scratch. and it was really from scratch…my first evaluation, every single muscle, from my head down to my toes, was rated as a zero out of five. so my therapists and i, not knowing where to start, went to work. for 6 hrs a day for 5 months, i worked, trying to reignite these lifeless limbs. by the time i left the hospital, every single was at least a one out of five, meaning they had all turned on! so my next goal was to make them stronger. though my muscles had turned on, i still looked deflated. i knew i had A LOT of work ahead… now, a few days ago, my good friend manoj was here. he casually said, \’u look good, do u work out?\” i laughed because i was thinking, \’yea, obvi, only every second everyday!\’ but it really got me thinking. ever since the stroke, ive looked sick, weak, and emaciated, but never good. while i was thinking about this later on, i had reached out to grab my armrest and pull me over. i looked down and there i saw it….a bicep! i could see a little muscle belly poking through! though i definitely still have a lot of work, my hair is still wild, and im paler than my white, eminem-esque trainer, the real me is slowly poking through. so eventually, totally and completely, from head to toe, its gonna be me.

7 thoughts on “its gonna be me

  1. Hersh,Loved this post. And btw, you don't look good, you look AMAZING. You're gorgeous, inside and out 🙂 Love you and can't wait to see you this weekend!!!!


  2. remember that time you came to a becker workout and acted like it was nbd while i panted, dying in the corner? hate you and your natural athleticism. ❤ you actually! a lot!


  3. and you BENCHPRESS. no big. btw, i can't believe i was telling you that i check your blog every other day, and then it turned out i hadn't even seen this post. failbloglove you, and your light skin, and your gorgeous thick hair (we have to rock the big hair) and your adorable dog! 🙂 see you again soooon


  4. You are so incredible. You really are an inspiration. I've been with my grandmother in the hospital the past few days and she's been totally unresponsive except a few small eye movements. I just kept telling everyone I know she can hear us. I kept thinking of you and how brave you are. Keep doing what you're doing, if anyone can do this, you can. XO


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