Don\'t you, forget about me

Everyone is moving on, and I\’m still standing still. Everyone is out conquering the world, but the world is still conquering me. Everyone is living their lives, but I still am struggling to have a life. Part of me is happy that all my friends and family are insanely successful, but it makes being here at home really lonely. I\’m scared that with everyone moving on, they will forget about me. I don\’t always hear from people, so maybe some of them have already forgotten about me. I don\’t think I\’m really forgettable, and maybe people are too busy or too scared to be in my life, but isn\’t that just as bad? It still leaves me feeling alone. I mean, I don\’t blame people. If I was living my life successfully, I would be hard presssed to stop and turn around to look back at a friend I left behind. I know my story is really sad, so maybe it\’s hard for people to even think about it because it\’s just too sad. But when people visit me, I am so overcome with happiness to see them that I\’m all smiles and ignore that big elephant in the room. Most of the time, I try to put on a happy face when people are around, well, some of the time. Now I don\’t talk about this much because it is kind of humiliating. But when I had the stroke, I lost the ability to inhibit my emotions(Pseudobulbar affect). So, even if something is a little bit funny, I laugh, and if something is a little sad, I cry. If I get a little frustrated, I also cry. When I start crying in front of someone, I then get mad at myself, which makes me cry more. Then I get scared that I\’m scaring them away, and that makes me cry even more. So it\’s an awful cycle that I try my hardest to fight. The last thing I want to do is scare people away. It has slowly gotten better, but it\’s still another obstacle I am forced to deal with. But i don\’t need people to visit me, i just want people to know it\’s still me. I want people to be comfortable enough to just email me or just send me a little message. I know that is hard because i type slowly, so i don\’t always reply. But i\’m there and i\’m listening. I am amazed at the strength, loyalty, and care some of my friends show me on a daily basis. I can\’t believe they can face me with all my sad problems, and actually be there for me. I am so surprised by their bravery in standing by my side and supporting me. Like Rajul, for example, who is my number one fan, supporter, cheerleader, and angel(it is funny because I think she fulfilled that role long before my stroke). Or Chaya, who is strong enough to talk to me about some of the hard stuff and shares with me her concerns as well as her love. Or Nisha, who makes feel like I\’m the only girl in the world, hehe. But for
real, she shows me endless happiness, fun, and love. Or my wifey, aka Krishna, who is always there to share everything with me. Or many, many more unbelievable friends. Or my brother, Anand, who is my ultimate best friend and hero. I need them in my life to remind me I\’m not alone. I need them in my life to remind me that things will get better. I need them in my life to remind me that I am still needed. And most of all, to prevent what I\’m most scared about, I need them in my life to make sure I don\’t forget myself.

13 thoughts on “Don\'t you, forget about me

  1. Hershey…you are unforgettable. I think about you every day, even if I don't talk to you neeeeearly enough. You might not know it, but you're a part of EVERYTHING I do. I love you, champ.


  2. Agree completely with Megan and rajul. Think about you every dayAnd also, in my opinion laughing at rajul's jokes even when they're only a little bit funny is just called being a good friend =)


  3. again, agree with the people above 🙂 you are unforgettable. thank you for being such a great listener, always. and for being an amazing friend. love you so much! every day i want to come home to just chill and hang out with you… until then though, you will have to deal with my emails, fbk posts, etc. 😀 MWAH


  4. I know it may seem like were \”moving on\” but I don't think any of us would be where we are today if it weren't for you guiding us along the way. It's hard to forget the person who inspires you the most. Love you Hersh!


  5. Harshada deari just had to write after reading this blog I am very fond of your mom and naani and have known about you through themBelieve me I have been desperately trying to please Lord Shiva with his favourite Maha Mrityunjaya Mantra daily to bring you back in action attending to patients instead of being one!Planets have a great influence on us and luckily they keep moving and at some stage they are bound to align in a configuration that will be for our goodJust you wait Henry Higgins!!!Our Gurudev–Did You ever meet Him?He very proudly states that our Sanatan Dharma has the power of changing the ddestiny ONLY if the devotee approaches HIM in all humility and thereby He becomes indebted to himThe Lord then becomes Just and KIND.there is so much power in prayer that even the idol can come to life.The intent and submission has to be thereSo soon we shall be penpals.They say some sould who are in such conditions are here to learn to TAKE as in earlier life times they have never TAKEN preferring to be always the GIVER.This pattern sometimes continues and until and unless we accept the service,money love and Kindness the pattern does not breakThe debt is to the one closest to you and that is parents or spouses in many casesHave You read MANY MASTERS MANY LIVES by Dr BRIAN WEISS?Take careloads of loveshreeram


  6. hI sweetieHow are you TodayYour mom mailed me and said that u read my mail.I am so happy that now I have one penpal whom I have never met and seenIn school I had a penpal from New Zealand.Now one from the U s of A.Anyway i have not read the book about the girls in riyadhi lived for 13 1/2 years there and 5 1/2 in Dubai so I have enough material myself Another day I shall tell you a few incidents.I have 3 daughters, the eldest is still single and the other 2 found theirs from the place that we chose to live in i.e. Bangalore.@ grandchildren a girl and a boy .Please send ur email address,Love Cheers and hugs


  7. Hi Harshada, this is aarti. We're related, like most sindhis 😉 Lata Pamnani is my mom. Just wanted to drop in a line to say hello and ask if you have read the diving bell and the butterfly. have you?


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