nada fue un error

\’nothing was a mistake\’ btw – i dont think many of you will like reading this, but read it through. they say a stroke in a young person is worse than death. they also say having \’locked in\’ syndrome is like being buried alive. i had both, and i would describe that as being tortured to death daily and not dying. i often think back to the day of my stroke, what if i had died then? yes, it would have saved me months and probably years of pain, suffering, and humiliation. but it would have left everyone around me utterly devastated. i always come back to the fact that i did survive and there has to be a reason for that. but it is really hard to think of that fact everyday. instead, i dont think a day has gone by where i havent thought, \’wouldnt it be better if i just give up and end this pain?\’ its probably sad to say, but i understand suicide. when your everyday is much worse and more painful than the unknown, when youre haunted in your daily reality by demons, when it hurts, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually to be alive, then why not? right? wrong. i may understand suicide, i dont agree with it. (so, dont worry folks, im not going anywhere. and i couldnt physically get to the top of a building even if i wanted to! but thats another story). i think suicide is the most selfish thing you can do. you would need permission to leave from every single person whos life youre a part of, and i dont think thats possible. i think it takes an extraordinarily strong person to get up and face those demons everyday, but, i havent had to be that strong, because i have had a whole army of people (and cranes) being strong for me. i remember back in medical school, on my medicine rotation, we had a patient who was on the verge of death. he had a cancer that was taking over his body. he was enduring so much pain and suffering to stay alive. he said he couldnt just give up, because he considered that suicide and that was against his religion. the difference between me and him and the reason why i survived that awful november day, is the hope that i will one day, have a better life. i think i dont have the foresight (or the height) to see over this mountain, through the smoke, to the paradise ahead, where i have a happy life. so imagine this vision and believe it for me, because sometimes, most of the time, i cant see it.

8 thoughts on “nada fue un error

  1. you're so honest and so eloquent…every time i read a new post i dont think i have the ability to respect you any more than i do, and then i read the next one and it builds up that much morei believe it for you bbear….everydayLos errores no se eligenpara bien o para malno fallé cuando viniste… y tu, y tuno quisiste fallar(How 'bout them Blue Devils?!)

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  2. Hey My little Spanish Fly,(your spanish makes you even flyer.) thanks for being so brave because i can't imagine my life without you. No one else knows about my dark past of JTT minibooks and BOP magazines. I not only see the paradise of your future, I often dream it. You might write your strength off as having a support system but how do you think you got that support system? You were, are, and always will be my backbone and I know you've held everyone up physically or emotionally at one point or another. Thanks for reading my dumb articles, thanks for keeping up from miles away, thanks for making sure you visit, call and give me all the love and attention that you do. AND thanks for asking me about Doug's text randomly in the middle of a conversation that's clearly more important. Everyday, I wish that I could love and fiercely as you.

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  3. thank you for being so strong, my love. you mean so much to me! i do believe it with all my heart, i always have 🙂 you will be in paradise again!i remember you telling me about that man from school. you're going to be an amazing doctor!love you wifey :*

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  4. You're right, Hersh – I kinda wanted to stop after line 5, but I didn't because you said so. Just that, that feeling of not wanting to read on proves how much stronger YOU are than the rest of us. You may not want to \”read\” on… you may not want to keep going… but you do.You amaze me.

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  5. Hersh,I love you so so so so so much. You are by far the strongest and most courageous person I know. You are the one who gives us the strength by being such a fighter and refusing to give up, and like Alka said, I know paradise is just around the corner. Thank you for being you :)Love,Ruch

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  6. Harshada,Hello my name is Michele and it is so very nice to meet you!!! I have read your entire story today! YOU are the most amazing woman i have ever met and I want you to know you ARE THE SUPERWOMAN of the century in my eyes!!! Keep up the amazing hard work and please please never stop writing! I hope there is a book in the future! Love and Peace and a big THANKS to you,your family and of course your amazing friends. You changed my life today…

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