you wont be lonely, even if the sky is falling down

love vs. hate, loyalty vs. jealousy, empathy vs. envy… these were the battles going on in my head every second of everyday. thats what i was struggling with whenever i encountered anyone – family, friends, nurses, doctors, therapists, strangers, EVERYONE. instead of loving them for being there, i was hating them for their ability to talk to me. instead of feeling a sense of loyalty to them for staying by my side, i was jealous of them for being able to walk into my room. instead of empathizing with their problems, i envied them for having normal problems. these feelings didnt spare anyone. if youre reading this, chances are, i hated you too. these feelings would eventually go away, after considerable mental effort on my part to help the good feelings overcome the bad. sometimes it would take seconds, minutes, hours, sometimes days. part of me did genuinely love everyone around me, but part of me did hate them for being so normal and by merely existing, they reminded me how alone i was. u could say my love was like a battlefield. i felt so alone because no one could possibly understand what i was going through, no one could truly understand how i was feeling, no one could really understand my problems and sufferings. i was completely alone in this journey and seeing \’normal\’ people around me reminded me of that. i remember around valentines day last year, i had to keep a straight face while people were telling me their fabulous, romantic plans or complaints about their love life, when really i was dying on the inside. i felt jealous, useless, down, alone. i didnt want to feel those awful things anymore. i had to convince myself, though it is an ongoing process, that i was, in fact, not alone. though they couldnt fully understand my struggle, i had so many loving, caring people around me who were doing all they could to be there for me, and for now that would have to be enough. now when i see someone, im reminded that even if the universe is falling apart around me, even if the world as i know is no more, even if the sky is falling down, im not alone, i have you.

7 thoughts on “you wont be lonely, even if the sky is falling down

  1. Hersh, I love how honest you are with your posts. I remember almost hating complaining to you about ANYTHING because I never wanted you think I thought any of my struggles compared to the struggles you were going through. But I also wanted to talk to you like I normally would, and I am so astounded at how you were able to overcome your feelings and still give such amazing advice, and be such a great shoulder to lean on. I can't express to you in words what I think of you as a friend. Other than absolutely amazing 🙂 I love you!


  2. ruchi said it all perfectly! the way you overcame your feelings and still listened and gave advice, is so admirable. just one more of your many traits that makes you so amazing! i used to get upset about so many little things (as you know!), but you have taught me so much and i've learned to really appreciate what's most important – family and friends. everything else, is just details :)you are 100% right 🙂 you will NEVER be alone. even though we're not all there physically with you, you know that we're all by your side every step of the way. standing behind and beside you as you overcome every obstacle 🙂 I LOVE YOU so much and i can't wait to see you soon!!! these 2 months have felt like years 😦


  3. Hersh, wow! I love your ability to express your feelings so honestly. I think this is my favorite post so far. So many people go years without being able to say how they really feel inside and you've done it so beautifully. So many times, like Krishna and Ruch said, I've felt so silly complaining to you about my little problems. But every time, you've been there to give such great advice, ask me questions and really showed how much you care — even if you were a little ticked, jealous or pained inside. I really admire you for that. And yes, you will never ever ever be alone. Like Krishna said, even if I'm not physically there with you, I think about you constantly and will always be here for you. I love you so much!


  4. Ditto to what everyone has already said – I couldn't have said it better. I, too, felt awful complaining to you or raving to you or whatever I was doing at the moment. But I just wanted so badly for things to be normal – to try to get your mind off of things even if for a brief second. I know we all did.You know you're always with me…I can't wait to see you in T-8 days!!!!


  5. OH MY GOD. I'm sorry, I'll stop yelling but this is the best post to date. This is going to the climactic part of your book (sorry, I'm in agent mode and I can't wait for my 15% cut. Once again, shop around because that's the standard).Listen, above being strong, courageous and overall amazing – you are so, so, so REAL. You're like Mariah Carey on her (old)albums. Just not afraid of your feelings. Just call my name – and I'll be there.Xo,Your representAYTive.


  6. can i be the 846th ditto comment on this post? ditto to all the above. i don't know how often people really mean it when they say \”thanks for having me\” but i really, really, really thank you so much for having me at all those visits where i chattered nonsense to you. i know it wasn't easy … thanksthanksthanks.


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